There's a phrase, "What you resists, persists," that's really done a doozy on me. I tend to enjoy staying in my soul searching bubble, my comfort zone, where I analyze everything to the death. I can't help it, I like taking things apart. It's fun, and the epiphanies that come when I find how things fit together are some of the most satisfying experiences of living for me. They are endless. When things 'go wrong, ' and good lord, the steady stream of going wrong is endless too, I tend to try to figure out why. For me, when things go wrong, it is resistance. So that steady stream persists, because of my tendency towards resisting. On the flip side, there's another phrase, the other side of the coin, "What you embrace, you erase."
A Personal Account
I began scrutinizing my attachments in 2016. I recognized my lack of boundary setting and began to take action, as uncomfortable as that was. And while letting others know how I want to be treated was somewhat of a challenge, no amount of hurt or initial guilt of standing in my truth within the confines of my boundaries could take away the satisfaction of the freedom I felt to say, "No, that's not ok to say or do to me." At the same time I was aware of the lack of integrity within myself, and I believe this is what actually hurts. I didn't feel guilt from standing on my truth, but I did feel guilt for exerting my truth all the while knowing that somewhere along the way that truth resides on contradiction.
My biggest attachment has been towards my children. I recognized my oldest and only son's resistance to my sense of order in 2015, and in 2016 during his senior year, he really challenged my authority. Why do people take such pride in having authority? Being in a leadership position is a lonely seat at a mostly empty table. Every person who has a child, is a leader, whether they want to own that or not. As a leader and parent, we have to make decisions that will not always make everyone happy. There are times when we ride a flow where everything is smooth sailing, but as you know, the wind changes intensity and direction quite frequently. We can see and feel it, but often we don't adjust the sails. We live on memories of how things were and demand that the wind goes how we demand it. Silly humans, we are.
My child, well, all my children, are very respectful and have been mostly well behaved their entire childhoods. When my son, Ian, began to challenge me, I received his attitude as a sign of disrespect. This is where tradition for the sake of tradition can be a stumbling block. We hang on so dearly to how things were and how things should be, that we miss the joy of right now. In that right now, in 2016, he wasn't so much challenging my authority, as he was exploring his sovereignty, an idea I have always passionately expressed was theirs, my children's, yet my actions didn't always quite measure up. I knew that. I've always known.
While I believe in my freedom in my heart, in my mind there was so much doubt. So to see my own child begin to search for the boundaries of his own sovereignty and set them by disapproval of his actions with some sort of punishment because he did not do things my way, I did a grave disservice, as every parent does. We set limits. We seek control. And then we are disappointed when our children don't seem to measure up to standards we are ourselves cannot always meet. So what happens is the child doesn't stop loving the parent, but they do seem to stop loving themselves. And from that point forward, life is about learning to love ourselves despite disapproval from others, which can be a rough journey for many. It happens to us all. It is why we seek control outside ourselves, because the lack within seems so far removed from anything orderly. This vicious cycle really does change when we embrace it. But what does it mean to embrace chaos? What does it mean to love your unloving self? Isn't resistance necessary for growth?
It's All About Chi
Chi is one's life force. When we regularly tend to our life force first and foremost, we are bringing balance to the body, mind, and spiritual aspects of our being. In my effort to understand what exactly I'm resisting, I've had to reduce every excuse as to why, and what I'm left with is my lack of knowledge and wisdom on the concept of being. It is the how of self validation. My control is a wall to prevent my heart from hurting, and this hurting heart concept is an illusion. A heart cannot break. When I push through the resistance, I always find I am still right there beating my own heart.
Bruce Frantzis of Energy Arts says, "Energy can be increased in a human being. Consequently, the development of chi can make an ill person robust or a weak person vibrant. More chi can enhance mental capacity too." https://www.energyarts.com/what-is-chi/ (Follow him on Facebook) To observe your life force is to be still and know thyself. Observing the basic necessity of life, breathing, helps one recognize where centering, grounding, and change in intent is needed to regulate one's life force. The act of regulating breathing is what being conscious is all about.
While breathing is a reflex that is not necessary to control in order to sustain life, it is the control mechanism that allows one to alter reflexes. A reflex is an involuntary response. To keep the breath on autopilot is to bring in an influx of emotions without knowing where they came from and allowing them to unconsciously dictate the active response. The unconscious self in charge of our actions is the anti-me, or the angel of death. The unconscious self is the resistor- the one forcing against the resistance, bouncing back, and trying again. The following video shows how negative electrical currents transform into positive electrical currents, in order to keep the flow going.
Keipert Labs illustrates, "We need to apply more energy in order to get them moving again," in reference to energy currents flowing through resistors, "...that's intentional, that's purposeful." In other words, it's conscious. By allowing things to flow, we are allowing ourselves to be transformed by the circumstances into something positive. The resistance is the barrier between the old self and the new self, or the anti-me and the me. That added application of energy needed to get things moving again is done by conscious breath work. See Amanda's article, The Power of Breath, to learn more on conscious breath work and how it helps reduce stress. Sustaining Life vs. Thriving Life
The verb sustain comes from the c. 1300 Old French sostenir and means "hold up, bear; suffer, endure." (See Etymology) The verb thrive originates, "c. 1200, from a Scandinavian source akin to Old Norse þrifask "to thrive," originally "grasp to oneself," probably reflexive of þrifa "to clutch, grasp, grip, take hold of"..." (See Etymology)
To sustain is to bear or endure, much like the negative electrical currents in the video must hold up in order to enter the flow state running through the resistance. However, the video also states there will be 'energy loss' or transformation. When we allow resistance without conscious effort to push through it, the resistance will instead change us and result in change we are not content with. With conscious focus, we are able to transform, or transcend, beliefs about ourselves and our environment that brings us to positive change, thus we thrive by grasping ourselves (conscious intent) and flowing through the resistance towards a better version of me. My son moved out of the house in the summer of 2017. Had I not recognized my need for control just after his leaving, there is no doubt our relationship would have remained strained (or sustained). I'm happy to report it is not strained. In fact, the conscious effort to recognize all the things I resist has revealed some disturbing truths to my ego, but our relationship is thriving. Nevertheless, I must push on towards the best version of me. My QuantumMemoir Journal page for the month will be about conscious breath work. See my blog on May 15, for that post.
Much Love!
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