Today's Special

I saw the phrase, "Play stupid games, win stupid prizes," twice today.

I don't know why, but seeing it twice triggered me. I felt an annoyance with those words, so I just sat with it a bit, unable to determine why. When I want to understand something on a deeper level, I usually turn to word origins. So I looked up the etymology of the words 'stupid' and 'special'. 'Stupid' is obvious. 'Special' was by way of my knowing. I titled this post before writing it, as a shoutout to Jeff, Jodie, Sam, and Muffy from the 80s Nickelodeon TV show, Today's Special. I don't know, perhaps it's by way of contrast. I don't want to play stupid games, so what is it that I do want? ... something special and unique to me. So I imagined the cast of one my favorite childhood shows trying to teach me a lesson.

Then I saw this FB post by a soul sister I recently became acquainted with:

On the word special from etymoline.com:

special (adj.)c. 1200, "better than ordinary," from Old French special, especial "special, particular, unusual" (12c., Modern French spécial) and directly from Latin specialis "individual, particular" (source also of Spanish especial, Italian speziale), from species "appearance, kind, sort" (see species).

On the word stupid from etymoline.com:

stupid (adj.)1540s, "mentally slow, lacking ordinary activity of mind, dull, inane," from Middle French stupide(16c.) and directly from Latin stupidus "amazed, confounded; dull, foolish," literally "struck senseless," from stupere "be stunned, amazed, confounded," from PIE *stupe- "hit," from root *(s)teu-(1) "to push, stick, knock, beat" (see steep (adj.)). Related: Stupidly; stupidness.

THE BACKSTORY, SORT OF:

I consider my experience of having a natural disaster flip one's world upside down as a major catalyst on a spiritual journey. All of the devastations I've experienced have been major catalysts from being married, divorcing, remarrying (same person), and divorcing again someone with major narcissistic tendencies and still loving him after all that, raising three children as a single mom and off and on with the help of a domineering mother, being diagnosed with what is medically known as the most painful ailment, to being beautiful. LOL Being beautiful is not a devastation, nor is it a word I would use to describe myself. It is something I have been labeled my whole life, and considering that for most of my life I have cared entirely too much what others thought of me, this labeling from others came with serious judgments on the nature of my character, jealousy among friends, and not being included from fear of what I may entice. I'm not paranoid, as some friends have tried to tell me when I've disclosed my struggles with the way I look. I have countless experiences where others were very hurtful towards me and how I look was the reason for wanting to say and do such things to me. One day I'll write more on all that- maybe. It's really of little consequence, all of it really, because I understand the bigger picture more clearly since hurricane Harvey. But I'm telling my story via this site, because perhaps how I've learned to deal with things will offer some sort of encouragement and inspiration to others on similar journeys. So if being shunned for being beautiful doesn't resonate with you, I assure you there are MANY women and men who DO resonate with it. So disregard and take what you need.

After Harvey, I desperately wanted to get back to normal, but secretly I DID NOT WANT the familiar normal. The comfort. The monotony. The drudge. The lack of growth. The working for the man, slaving your life, losing friends and family along the way due to disconnection or death and then spend my savings trying to take care of my health in my later years, die, and my kids and grandkids mourn me, and then just continue the same path. FUCK THAT! I saw Harvey as an opportunity to wash away the crap the nasty waters wading in my neighborhood for over a week did not touch. And I did just that, starting with quit my job. Do I have this entrepreneurship thing down- NO! One week is fantastic and the next week, just a bunch of crickets chirping. But the freedom to explore this with the support from my husband and children is such a blessing! I was able to leave behind a few people who were toxic to my path and take on others who seemed to be relational opportunities for growth, only to realize this thing I started needed to be done alone. And I have resisted this tooth and nail for the past year and a half. I met some amazing strangers online. It still amazes me how you can feel so connected to people you don't really know in real life and be so disconnected to those in your circle. Honestly, all it really does is make me tired and sad that after 39 years I still don't understand relationships.

People always talk about how things that are meant to be just flow. What has 'just flowed' for me has always been short-lived. As I write this, I have a sadness in my heart, because my long time best friend has decided I am no longer worth her time. I don't feel I've lost anything, only because the last year I really have been in the moment with her. I embraced every interaction with her and truly love her with my heart and soul. But because I am bound to my own perception, it seems I'm doomed to be misunderstood. I know a lot of people feel this way. Why is life this sad? Where's my flow? Things don't have to be this hard. Why do we lie to ourselves and say they do? What are we missing about having to do the 'work'?

With all the wonderful connections with others I made after my major catalyst, I also happen to make a beautiful connection with myself. For the first time in my life, I actually looked at myself, my work, my integrity, my drive, my ambition, my love for others and dedication to helping others and saw a beautiful woman staring back at me. When I realized what I had been missing out on, where self-validation is the catalyst that awakens the inner dragon- the one we all fight against is the one who desires our love, the dragon whose heart is like fire and doesn't have room for walls, a lot of woo woo weird stuff started happening to me. My heart started to vibrate a blissful sensation. I then began feeling some sort of energy in my groin area and in my belly. Eventually this energy was felt in my lower body, throat, forehead and top of my head. I have felt the energy of others for years now. This is not a sixth sense type of thing, not a knowing, like I really feel that in my skin. My body vibrates pretty much 24/7 now, and I am extremely sensitive to changes in my own energy and that of others. I can remote view, which is the ability to see an object that is not within the same proximity as you, you have no physical sight to confirm it, just the ability to see it within with a different set of eyes or being able to see within someone else's line of sight and being a great distance away from this person. I am not learned in this, it just happened one day and continues to happen. I never know whose field of vision I'm seeing through. I do know that most of us can train our brains to do this. This is not some special ability like a superhero. It is a special ability that humans are capable of, and our government actually hires people well trained in this. I have seen my reality disperse before my very eyes. I've seen black and white shadow people and orbs. I feel vulnerable sharing this, because of the skeptics. But I do know the more I tell my story, the more others come forward with their tales of strange woo woo occurrences. There's a lot more to this, and I may get around to it, but I do have a point in all this.

As I have consistently been releasing attachments my entire adult life, with the major dump trickling out in 2018, I began to experience the reality of my nature, of nature, of your nature. That's pretty much what this website was supposed to be about, but it is so difficult to neatly put it out there while one is still very much in the throes of experiencing it. I came to the realization I need to just write about it all- all the epiphanies, and once I have logged a significant portion of the story, I could go back and reorganize. So that's pretty much the gist of it.

AND TODAY'S SPECIAL:

The major revelation from all the attachment releasing and woo woo weird stuff was my knowledge on balance. As I released things, situations, people, and beliefs, my knowledge of balance increased. I just started to know things, and the more I trusted that knowing, the more knowledge I received. By the way, prayer, fasting, and mediation are HUGE helps on the spiritual path. And rereading Jesus' teachings are too, but you've got to take off the programed eyes and read with new eyes and a new heart. Just sayin...

The underlying message of balance has to do with masculine and feminine energy. And that's really what my big message to the world is. Right now I'm trying to understand it and live it. I have a wonderful friend who imparted these words to me: Consider, discern, apply. He calls it the trinity! LOL. But the value of this formula has certainly helped me in sifting through my personal process of growth and in learning the wounds of the masculine and feminine, considering the best course of action for healing those wounds, discerning of programs still ingrained in the subconscious, and applying this knowledge in my day to day. I am learning to see the thoughts that will bring the most fruit, writing that knowledge on my heart, and acting in it as a way to create a positive feedback loop that may then run on autopilot in the subconscious. Take note of the computer terminology too, because that has quite a bit to do with this experience. I can't just cough it all up. It is A LOT of information. Besides there are hundreds of people who have attempted to share pretty much the same message. I have friends upset with me for not sharing what I know with them. It is difficult to create a space for something so profound, yet intangible and make it tangible, all the while questioning your own sanity and facing your own fears. So, I can't dump on you and I will not, although, this is a huge data dump in itself! I literally have to write a few books for that, and I will. I just need to get these 'notes' out first and leave them open for those who are also on the spiritual path.

#nothingpersonal- Oh, Lakeshia, you said it! I was offended by 'play stupid games, win stupid prizes,' and couldn't figure out why until I saw your post. I was on social media when these feelings arose. My feminine reminding me it's time to work. But my masculine was being lazy.

Masculine energy responds only to the feminine energy. There are dimensions to this, and I'll explain it further in detail in later posts. But for one's self, you have your feelings and your action. How a person acts (masculine) is in direct response to their feelings (feminine). When a feminine energy is wounded, all it cares about is its hurt feelings, and it can be irrational and illogical. When it is healed, it can feel the feelings without letting it define who they are and make choices to move out of the negative feeling into a positive one or from a positive one to creating and producing something rather than consuming and manipulating something...or someone. Facebook is a cesspool of consumer waste. It can be useful and a tool to bring others together, but so far most people are happy with their meme posting and lack of meaningful connections. It is a breeding ground for reactions and deterrent to responses that continue conversations or move calls to action, except for platitudes, occasional donations, or group events.

I woke up in my feelings today, and it took a while to move that. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't moving, so my action (masculine) matched that, or responded in like. I hope you are getting an understanding of how this works, or at least, I hope you are able to understand how I explain things from my perception.

One day, it will come out in proper flow and will be more digestible. Until then, I've got to just get this out so I can see where to cut and paste for my final product. I hope you are having a magical day!

Much love!