I discovered this guy on YouTube that created visual representations of 10 dimensions. There are many theories on how many dimensions there are, but he stops at 10. I was so blown away by this channel and am still working my way through the material. This is probably the most fascinating thing I discovered last year, but everyone I've tried to share it with is not interested. So here's the channel: 10thdim
What's so fascinating about it to me, is that it gives you an understanding of where to go with your mind. A dimension is another layer of understanding. It's not necessarily a different place you go to, but rather being able to activate a different perception simultaneously along with your go to perception, thus giving you a broader range of understanding and conflict resolution. It's like having a keener sense, and it is something that all of us may develop or learn as we grow in our experiences via our responses and the more we commit to observing all responses.
I had a profound realization that we are all playing a script or many scripts. And the unfolding drama isn't really the point, because we can switch the actors or avatars up or the setting, but what remains consistent is our responses. We are led to believe that our responses are just natural inclinations. In the drama of 3rd party situations, a first wife, upon learning of her husband's infidelity, may become a basket case, lose her mind, identity, purpose, and etc, because these concepts were attached to the belief that their, " 'til death do we part," was a binding contract. The words were binding, for sure, and both may have honestly believed those words and intended to keep them in that moment of the marriage ceremony. Her belief that he was bound to her by letters, allowed her to freely check-out when she wasn't feeling up to satisfying him in bed, expecting him to read her mind concerning what she wanted and needed, consistently keeping order within the home either by working outside to help fund the management of the household, keeping order inside the home, or whatever roles were verbally agreed upon or implied without any effort to initiate or reevaluate conversations regarding these roles.
They never show when Shrek has a drunken all nighter with the boys and the conversation he has with his wife the following hung over morning.
So many holes within this script. I know many, many women and a few men who played this same script, and many responded the same way I did, but thankfully not all. In scripts where our identity, purpose, and most importantly, our choices are attached to the actions of those we are intimate with, it is a death sentence. This script is for the purpose of this self/response to die, and it will keep playing over and over and over again, until the one assuming the role of wife begins to really examine herself. The second marriage was the same. Exactly the same. It was to the same person. In the name of religion, I thought I was doing the world a favor in the name of truth and second chances. But the truth is, I was given a second chance to examine myself, and I chose not to do that. I wanted the 50+ year marriage, the couple that endured so much, the children who had a stable upbringing, at least with parents who stayed together. Thinking of those things still brings a longing to my heart. Fairytales help us escape truth. And the truth is being married 50+ years to someone who you are compatible with emotionally, intellectually, physically, philosophically, and spiritually, yet who does not match your level of passion is a death sentence. Those lovely 'lly' words are just silly words. At any moment, a shared movie, conversation, or words read can alter either one's belief in what it means to be intellectual, philosophical, or even spiritual. And just like that, you no longer see eye to eye, and those silly words you believed would keep you in tune despite any misfortune are now distant strangers. Yet it is matched passion that can see past the facade of silly words, can light a way through dark times, and can see the possibilities within the impossible and strive to make its way towards that. And the truth is, what difference does it make to your soul and your legacy if you endure so long with someone who does not understand your passion, but only tolerates it, who also longs to have their passion met, but wore the words, "I do," like a shackle? And the truth is children brought up in a together home where there is no passion, learn early their parents are liars. And lies are what kill the spark in their eyes.
I finally woke up from the dream and realized someone was navigating this body on autopilot, and I was ready to do the work. Many years and many drama filled conflicts later, I am here still observing myself. I see many things differently, but there are areas that have yet to be confronted. Over the years, I've used Shrek as an analogy to explain the happily ever after myth. They never show when Shrek has a drunken all nighter with the boys and the conversation he has with his wife the following hung over morning. They never show what a hormonal bitch Fiona is every month during shark week, and how even though Shrek knows there's not much he can do to prevent it or protect himself or his children from her, the fact that every fourth week he lives in fear, still weighs heavily upon him.
I recently thought about Shrek in light of the masculine and feminine energy. Having the prince save me from my tower wasn't in the cards for me, although, it is definitely what I thought I wanted for most of my life. But as the disappointment in others grew and the list of people who abandoned me and me them grew longer and longer, I finally realized my story isn't the Shrek version. It's not cartoonish and doesn't come close to matching the traditional lover saving his beloved, or at least attempting to have a conversation, a team pep talk and strategy. That's been my biggest disappointment- reciprocation. I've searched and searched, but it's just not there. Unmatched passion. Unfulfilled longings. Hours just talking under the moonlight without any need to give into the passion- just let it be there with us together. Nope.
But the truth is, it's never been there, because I wasn't there myself. I can be super deep with strangers, because that is what comes natural to me, just getting straight to it, making people think. But it's not what's sacred to me. Most people are the other way around. They are light-hearted and full of humor, my kind of intimacy, and what is much more challenging for me to partake in. They give shallow and I return the favor, except on the surface it doesn't look the same. I spill my heart, and they share their laughter- two simple conversation starters for each. Yet, I desire they spill their heart in return, and I am usually unwilling to share my humor with them. I've lied to myself for so long, it was a challenge to see my lack of reciprocation. So you see, the script of being a first ex wife helped eventually, but I didn't want to pay attention.
So realizing I was done with the Shrek script, I wondered what script, and immediately Shawshank Redemption came to mind. It blew my mind! First of all, Red, Andy Dufresne's bff in the movie, was the wise man content with his station, never attempting to aim higher. He just was. To me he exemplifies everyone who crosses my path. They just are. That's not to say they don't have ambitions, but in my life, they just are. I question motives, action, and inaction quite a bit, and I use my conclusions to help me better understand myself and how I relate to others. Andy did this.
I love looking at the deeper meaning, seeing the other dimensions. In my contemplation, I first thought about what 'Andy' means. 'Andy' is short for 'Andrew'.
From sevenreflections.com:
What Does Name "Andy" Mean
Powerful and complete. You are good intellectually and require several outlets for your energies. You are not a builder but a planner, and you want others to carry out your plans. You are bold, independent, inquisitive and interested in research. You know what you want and why you want it.
Position and social status is very important for you and you are always looking for way to improve your position in society. You have power and ability to chose your own destiny and achieve anything you want in life. You can expand in any direction according to your will and the set of values. You have passion for justice and belong to the position of authority. You have an inherent courage and endurance to accomplish "The Impossible Dream". With the power comes responsibility. You hold keys to the material world, but with this gift comes high spiritual responsibility to be fair and true to others. You are philosophical and mature, determined and intense with a desire to endure, often religious.
The general consensus is that 'Andrew' means manly, brave, or warrior. Usually when we think of manly attributes, Andy Dufresne really doesn't fit the bill. Initially, he comes across as passive, shy, and weird. He's tall and cast a foreboding shadow. He doesn't seem warrior-like at all. The problem is our understanding of what it means to be a warrior. We tend to want to fight the outside world. He seemed to have lacked this desire. Where's your gall, man? Andy wasn't the kind of man to fight with his fists or his voice. He carefully planned a no fail escape. He didn't just want freedom from prison, he wanted freedom from the aspects of self that brought him to prison. So on the outside it looked like he was playing the script of inmate, well, he was. But he was doing other things too. He was a stealth warrior. He was laughed at, bullied, and misunderstood, but he stayed true to himself. In one dimension, he cunningly used the imperfect system, the prison system, with it's many tunnels to bypass the rules. He managed to obtain a scalpel to create fine chess pieces- works of art, during the day, and to create a real tunnel during the night. He used the Rita Hayworth poster to cover his true intention. She was his mask. The length of the tunnel and the length of time it took to finish this also built his character, gave him hope when the regular script was too much. He was ambitious about his position, but he knew there was an even higher station outside of prison beyond that of warden's 'tax man.'
In another dimension, he chose his battles very carefully, knowing how much energy to give and how much to take. He worked on his gall, and finally bit the head of the snake at the perfect moment, when all enemies were surrounding him, he whipped out his mind and showed his teeth. And it was enough to make them back away! His force is quiet, but it's there. We should never underestimate passivity. It can be and is used as a tool for manipulation, defense, and strategic offense! What's your 'hey' worth, Mister Intellectual Muscle Man?
In another dimension he hides his small scalpel in a Bible, carving out the book of Exodus, the escape of the Jews from Egypt. I know this is a movie, a work of art, where the artist is able to place these synchronicities, like Andy's name or the scalpel left in Exodus, so it can seem like a stretch. BUT when you start to really pay attention, the synchronicities are everywhere. There's no way all those connections are coincidence. There's a deep mystery in this experience, an uncanny presence that ushers in and out to make the energies of all that is life dance.
So I take my levels of insight from movies and TV shows and find ways to apply them to my life. I recognize the need to just sit in my situation for as long as it takes to help me have a more blissful outlook on it. I've been very focused on the outward appearance, the perfect family, to together home, the gracious host for so long, that when a hurricane flipped that script, I didn't know what to do. My life was never perfect, in fact, I don't want it to be, because I wouldn't be here if I had the perfect life- there'd be no reason, no lesson for me to learn. I'm learning that neither places, or people are home. My home is made of thoughts that inspire my actions, and I can decorate however I want. There are ripple effects to my choices, so clear intention about what I want to experience is necessary, otherwise I am just drifting along waiting for life to happen.
It's takes time to rebuild a house without knowledge, tools, time, resources, and help. I've focused on building a business instead of a house, believing my career would enable me to rebuild my house. But building is building, and building upon stability, my business, takes the same criteria to building a house. My house is mostly livable, and that's all I really need now. So my pace at tunneling my way to freedom by way of a beautiful home built with my own hands and heart, a thriving career independent of a boss where I may give abundantly to my community and the monetary means I desire, a body that is in bliss with health and takes only what it needs are all necessarily slow. All these manifestations require a home, my mind, that is patient, kind, not envious or self-seeking, is not easily angered, and keeps no record of wrongs. So, I'm just enjoying the process and know without a doubt I'll see Mexico one day, but until then I'm working on those traits required for a sound mind that just is love, rather than a seeker of it.
This post is dedicated to my new friend and neighbor, Kathy. She heard me without judgement and showed me where I needed to turn on my light. Thanks, love! By the way, Kathy means pure, as does 'red' when understood in the fullness of it's definition. 😉
The how and why of the phrase 'righteous slut' may be found in my blogpost, "Tales of a Righteous Slut."
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